Sesi Hati Taufu Fa

Assalamualaikum kepada kesepian (ececehh...)

21 Julai 2012, first day puasa untuk tahun ni. Kebetulan jatuh hari Sabtu maka ramai kawan-kawan balik kampung, nak bersahur and later berbuka dengan family tersayang. How excited, how nice! Cemburu arrrrr...........

While me, aku memang di rumah. Rumah yang kosong without yang tersayang...... Ala bulan puasa je kot tapi aku tak tau apa motif aku nak emosional sangat. DASAR PENYEDIH! Perghhh letih, fed up dengan diri sendiri!!!!! Jangan nak drama-drama sangat boleh tak, wahai diri sendiri...

Miss your telur masak kicap for sahur, ma.... Miss you. Sangat. Sangat. Sangat. Tengok your almari kesayangan pun boleh nangis, apa cerita tuuuu ARGHHH!

I can barely live without you. Dah cuba tapi.... You were my life. No, you're still my life.

Kaki ayam: Kena sediakan super-extra-absorption mop untuk raya, tears will get crazier hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... :-)

Mama, Tak Tahan Ma!

Kenapa mama jauh sangat, orang nak jumpa mama please, please ma. Please!

Tolong mama, rindu Mama sangat it hurts :'(

New Phone Number

Mama pass away just over a month ago. I STILL get these out-of-the-blue urges now and then to pick up the phone and call Mama and let her know what the latest news is, or to say hi, buat apa, dengan siapa, dekat mana. Or maybe I'll have this question I need to ask her about me when I was little, or something we did way back when, or about the family history. And just as soon as I reach for the phone, I suddenly remember: "Oh yeah. That's right..." Sigh... :'(

So, to overcome this loss of a regular number to call every morning, I decided to save my blog's URL as the new number named Mama Dearest in my phone book. I will talk in here as if I'm talking to her. Takpa kan? Tak macam gila kan? Okay, I'll start tomorrow.

Oh, before cakap bye aku nak quote status sister aku dekat facebook yang deep sangat. It got me teary eyed everytime reading it.

"You may not have smothered me with hugs and kisses but I knew I was your baby. You may not have rewarded me for my achievements but I knew you were proud of me. You may not have been there for me for some moments but you were there for me for the moments that mattered. You may not have said I love you very often but I knew it anyway. You may not be the perfect person to me but you were perfect for me." Beautifully said by sis Linda.


Arwah Mama with my only sister, the coolest sister one could ever have!

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Mama has been gone for a month. I haven't been back to Mama's grave since day 2 after she passed away. I'm not sure when I'll ever go back. I mean, it's not like I'm avoiding the place, but I HATE IT THERE. I'm not super spirtual (yes so?). Hence, I believe and I know that Mama is still around, and still with me, and going to the cemetery is just so friggin weird for me. Sebab I tau she's not there. And it almost feels like going to visit a gua or something (since there is a nice gua nearby the cemetery kan). And I hate it when people ask me if I go there a lot. Cause I tell them the truth and then I feel like they're judging me for not going a lot.

My sister and I took care of Mama in hospital the last 15 days of her life. There was also Ayah and Abang Rafi, my brother inlaw, together with us always. It’s a wonderful experience that I would do again if the situation presented itself, but it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s very difficult physically and emotionally to care for a body that is in deep pain. But it’s also incredibly rewarding. It felt like the greatest gift I’ve ever given Mama. So nobody understands more that my small family.

Pain and sadness are my family's last name now. First was Yop, my eldest brother pass away on July 4th, 2008. Then Abang, my second elder brother on November 24th 2010, then tak sampai 2 months Mama ikut Abang. January 30th, 2011. You want to talk about pain, mai sini aku tepuk kepala hang. Smash the glass, that's what I am now.

It's been a month now, and I miss her like whoaaaaaa. Peluk Mama banyak-banyak in illusion. Love Mama forever tau, Ma.

A hobby I can no longer do, usik Mama.